Salubrious Update

I woke up today grateful. The past few months have been rough. I was physically assaulted outside my home in early April; work has been nonexistent as we are still, a year later, trying to pivot after the sale of Cast Iron Keto. Family issues, Portland issues, money issues, health issues, and on and on and on. When it rains, it pours, it seems. It has felt quite wet here for a while.

The assault left me questioning our choice to continue to live here in Portland. I've always said that the city is better than some make it out to be. My mind has changed drastically since living downtown. I love city life; I love walking to the locally-owned specialty market or just a few blocks to Whole Foods. I love the energy that comes from being around the hustle and bustle without having to actually hustle or bustle myself. It makes me feel like I'm a part of it while I'm just at home, doing my own thing. Walking to the grocery store at 6 pm while the cafes and restaurants are busy gives me a vibe I can't quite explain. It energizes me. Until it doesn't.

Daily, I see random acts of aggression right outside my door. Property damage and petty theft aside (stolen bikes and smashed windows are unfortunately inevitable in a city, it seems), the insane actions of those completely obliterated by drugs are shocking. 

Granted, I did not grow up in an urban environment, so I was not exposed to drugs, homelessness, or other issues of city life from a young age. But I am well-traveled, and this isn't normal. I spent 2 years traveling around the US full-time in 2018 and 2019. I stayed in many cities, and rural areas and never once witnessed the extreme behavior I now witness daily. 

Is it the same where you are? Have you noticed a shift?

My own assault happened in broad daylight on a Monday afternoon around 2 pm. I was working in the kitchen, photographing a few recipes for a client, when Alex heard someone crying outside. He mentioned it to me when he saw her lying on the sidewalk. I immediately started to check on her despite him telling me not to. I should have listened, but I guess I reverse-stereotyped her. She was a middle-aged woman who honestly just looked like she was struggling. If I were hysterically crying on the street, I hope someone would check on me. 

So, I threw on my shoes and walked to the end of the block where she was lying near the stop sign.

Standing about 5 feet away, I gently asked, "Ma'am, are you okay?" The next thing I knew, she was shoving and slinging me backward into the middle of the crosswalk. I was yelling, "What? Stop! I was just asking if you were okay," while she was yelling an unhinged string of obscenities, calling me a "f---ing b----" over and over again while kicking me. 

She took off when Alex ran out once he heard me screaming, ending with a lovely "Go kill yourself, b----." Alex helped me inside, and I filed a police report, even though the PPD told me it wasn't really worth it, and that was that. A few days of constant panic attacks and a few weeks of slowly reentering the world helped ease the trauma of it, but I'm still startled easily outside.

It also doesn't help to see the same thing happen to others daily. Just this week, while walking back from the grocery store, I witnessed a man and his child walking in the same direction Alex and I were going. Then I heard some commotion and saw someone trying to attack the man while he was ushering his child into the nearest coffee shop, presumably for safety. Right outside of our window on Sunday, a man was running up and down the sidewalks in a few-block radius, screaming and punching the air right in front of other pedestrians' faces, saying he was going to kill them. 

I'm so tired.

Life in Portland is like an abusive relationship. There are parts that I absolutely adore and others that are traumatic, and that's putting it lightly. I didn't start writing this essay as a Portland-bashing piece, but that's how it has seemed to develop. 

When I write, I often start writing about one thing with it ultimately morphing into something else, eventually tying it all back together in a weird, incohesive, but obvious way. Which is like life in a way if you think about it. Life is inconsistent, incohesive, and not linear. Staggered, discombobulated, upside-down, and frankly fucked up. All the time. 

But threads, stories, and instances all weave together to create your life.

In the moments over the past year when all the spec work we were doing was a complete waste of time, things that served no purpose were precisely what needed to happen for this moment to be possible.

I am grateful that our work at LL Studio is gaining momentum and that we finally see a light; as dim as it may be, it's still light. All I need is a flicker. When everything is dark, it's so hard to find your way, the will to keep going when it feels like nothing will make a difference or bring about change. As I try to reclaim most of my culinary work and dive into more graphic design and web development, I feel more like myself. Those moments of darkness over the past year, while learning and doing in the dark, without sight of a way forward, eventually led to opportunities—a business that genuinely feels like us, that plays to our strengths, and makes Alex and I 100% equals, which is an excellent place to be. 

We've found our stride in design work together, unlike our constant struggles when trying to produce 10+ recipes a week for half the rate we charged pre-pandemic. Don't get me wrong, we're still in the thick of it, figuring things out, but now it finally feels like things are moving in the right direction. 

Hence, this morning was my spark of inspiration to put pen to paper—or should I say, fingers to keyboard?—.

The update I meant to write was a quick note to let Salubrious subscribers know that, like other writers, I have decided to host my newsletter instead of partnering with Substack. Political and moral issues on Substack's part aside, this is good news for you, as I am not offering paid subscriptions, ever. Free, free, free. No paywalls here. 

You'll continue to receive new essays and recipes in your inbox when they're posted. There is no schedule. 

You can find all my recipes, even those I've created for other publications, here on my website and Instagram. Recipes are in the eat plants column, and essays on random bits of life, art, and culture are available in the Salubrious column. You'll receive an email when a new post goes live; if you'd like to receive just one monthly email with a recap of any new content that month, email me. I'll get your subscription switched to that frequency. If you’re not a subscriber yet, you can join here.

There is also a new fun thing on the site that I'm excited about and want to share with you! In addition to recipes and essays, I've slowly started curating an online store of sustainable goods that I love. It's always been a dream of mine to have a boutique shop, but a brick-and-mortar isn't in my near future. This feels like a fun, tiny baby step towards that. You'll find a few organic and made-in-the-USA tote bags in the shop; I'm OBSESSED with the heirloom tomato tote. I have plans to expand the shop, but for now, TOTES! 

Thanks for being here, and if you're a subscriber, thanks for joining me off Substack ✌️